Some Words About Loss

September 30, 2014

We are on the road with our dog Bodhi and right now I am sitting in a lovely room at the completely renovated Heritage House near Mendocino on the Pacific Ocean.  We have had a beautiful easy day.  We have a great view from our room, no pressure to do anything, and our worldview is optimistic and expansive.

Of course, if you are a pessimist or even a realist you know that it all will change.  We can only hope to “be here now” for as long as possible.  The last several months have been filled with serial bereavement, the loss of friends, a long term employee who was really a friend, and some friends who were connected  peripherally and through others.  It is also Fall and the changing of the season.  While some love the Autumn, (it’s Kimberly’s favorite season), I find the earlier darkness and shorter days to be a depressant.  So call me a whiner.  Going back to school was never my best moment. It reminds me of Sunday night before school knowing that Monday brought homework assignments and preparations that I might not have fully completed. 

So these little tics hang on into my old age.  Darker days, Sunday nights, worrying about things you can’t change.  One can only say that they will probably stay with me until the end.  Still, things have changed and whether I like it or anticipate it, dread it or hate it, still I must accept what cannot be changed.  So what is so different?

It is much easier to see the “horizon” than it was twenty years ago.  What is the “Horizon”?  It is my own mortality, it is seeing friends fail, it is not being able to walk the golf course, it is getting up several times every night, not remembering names that I know, making sure I get that afternoon nap, going to bed earlier, not reading as fast, taking more time in the morning, not having food taste as good etc.  I can probably go on but who cares?  Even with all the give-ups, I still get to do lots of things I love including all things family, tennis and biking, workouts and talking to pals, driving and riding my scooter and looking at art and of course craft, 49er football and those maligned A’s and just getting started with the NY Times in the morning. We know that nobody under 50 even reads the paper.  

You can say it is all “good” and it is better than being sick or crazy.  But, it is different.  My answer to the above complaining is to try and make everyday the best that it can be. I am less than perfect at that but Kimberly is such a great support and she makes sure that I keep it going.   Here’s to getting the best of everyday. Time for a Scotchola.