Some Words About Loss

September 30, 2014

We are on the road with our dog Bodhi and right now I am sitting in a lovely room at the completely renovated Heritage House near Mendocino on the Pacific Ocean.  We have had a beautiful easy day.  We have a great view from our room, no pressure to do anything, and our worldview is optimistic and expansive.

Of course, if you are a pessimist or even a realist you know that it all will change.  We can only hope to “be here now” for as long as possible.  The last several months have been filled with serial bereavement, the loss of friends, a long term employee who was really a friend, and some friends who were connected  peripherally and through others.  It is also Fall and the changing of the season.  While some love the Autumn, (it’s Kimberly’s favorite season), I find the earlier darkness and shorter days to be a depressant.  So call me a whiner.  Going back to school was never my best moment. It reminds me of Sunday night before school knowing that Monday brought homework assignments and preparations that I might not have fully completed. 

So these little tics hang on into my old age.  Darker days, Sunday nights, worrying about things you can’t change.  One can only say that they will probably stay with me until the end.  Still, things have changed and whether I like it or anticipate it, dread it or hate it, still I must accept what cannot be changed.  So what is so different?

It is much easier to see the “horizon” than it was twenty years ago.  What is the “Horizon”?  It is my own mortality, it is seeing friends fail, it is not being able to walk the golf course, it is getting up several times every night, not remembering names that I know, making sure I get that afternoon nap, going to bed earlier, not reading as fast, taking more time in the morning, not having food taste as good etc.  I can probably go on but who cares?  Even with all the give-ups, I still get to do lots of things I love including all things family, tennis and biking, workouts and talking to pals, driving and riding my scooter and looking at art and of course craft, 49er football and those maligned A’s and just getting started with the NY Times in the morning. We know that nobody under 50 even reads the paper.  

You can say it is all “good” and it is better than being sick or crazy.  But, it is different.  My answer to the above complaining is to try and make everyday the best that it can be. I am less than perfect at that but Kimberly is such a great support and she makes sure that I keep it going.   Here’s to getting the best of everyday. Time for a Scotchola. 

Exercise for the Aged

September 22, 2014

Simon’s Blog

One of my favorite things to do has always involved exercise.  I have been overweight my whole life, but it has rarely gotten in the way of trying to do something active, almost every day. For many years it was tennis and then squash and now once again I am playing tennis at least once every week.  It is such a fun game and challenging, especially as an older person.  I used to play squash or tennis three or four times a week, but today that wouldn’t be possible.  After my current Saturday game, it takes me an afternoon with a short nap to recover and right now while I am awaiting my new hip, it hurts. 

I always thought that if I took up golf, it would be some sort of easy game.  That couldn’t be further from the truth of what happened when I started playing in my early 60s.  It is a hard game, a mind game, a pain game, and I find myself very frustrated with the whole endeavor.  I have now limited myself to a nine-hole game and even at that half level, my concentration stinks.  Still I think that if I had the right attitude, I could enjoy a walk around instead of getting irritated by my own lack of concentration.  For the present, I will ride in a cart, but in general, it is better to walk; it improves the game and makes you more relaxed. 

For many years I tried to do something aerobic everyday.  I would either ride the exercise bike or a hybrid bike on the street or an elliptical machine that works in any kind of weather because it’s inside.  I force myself to do this by watching a sporting event while at the same time playing music at its highest volume, usually Motown. Nothing is more boring than trying to complete 30 to 40 minutes, but the rush when I finish strong sets up a wonderful rush of endorphins and then comes the reward of a good Scotchola. 

Finally, over the years, perhaps the last 30, I have had a trainer either once or twice a week.  I have had good trainers and some not so good but lucky me for the ability to hire someone to motivate me.  Now I have the best trainer I’ve ever experienced, Elias Casolla .  He is relentless and keeps my heart rate up for the entire 50 plus minutes that we work out.  He has improved my mobility, balance, flexibility and I am even pushing more weight than I pushed ten years ago.  In other words, it is not just weight lifting but a whole well rounded program.  I go twice a week and try not to think about it too much for I fear I won’t go. My other great trainer was Achim Albrecht in SF, truly a fine guy and a super trainer; I miss him.

So the downside of all this good physical activity is my appetite.  No matter how much I work out, no matter how good my exercise path, it doesn’t matter.  I can always out eat my exercise.  It really hacks me off.  My lovely brother, Bob, has always been thin, never worried about weight, eats whatever he wants while I have suffered with a thousand diets.  I bet I have lost my entire weight several times on diets that work for a while and then don’t.   Somehow you think that when you get older perhaps you won’t like food as much - that is baloney or steak or something.

Be Here Now

I wonder what makes me want to do a blog again after all these years.  The last time I wrote regularly was during our life changing five months in Rome.  I was a Visiting Scholar at the American Academy and Kim was feverishly studying Italian so we could get around in a place where spoken English was the exception not the rule.  In my fading memory, I can recall doing an engaged time that involved touring, learning, eating fantastic food, and in general staying very busy and using every second to get the most out of our unique and highly intellectual experience. 

It is hard to believe that we came home to Sonoma and San Francisco in early February of 2006.  If eight years could go any faster we wouldn’t have much more time on this planet.  Maybe the earth is traveling faster.  In any case, I am back to my blog which gave me so much pleasure eight years ago. 

I am thinking about how it feels to get older and what I am able to do to stave off my mind from thinking about it too much.  So one of the paths I am repeating to myself is to try and find the ability to compartmentalize so that I can make every moment count.  One example is a coming hip replacement.  From a history point of view, I have gotten my monies worth from the replacements of both of my real hips over 18 years ago.  These appliances are supposed to give us about 15 to 20 years and I am right in the middle.  I must admit, I never thought about a replacement when I had the first hips inserted.  It all felt so good, no more arthritic pain, squash came back into my life, and I could once more walk without pain.  Now I remember what I was feeling - some pain everyday and sometimes lots of pain.  So, after putting this new situation off for over a year, I am forced to have my right hip done again and the left one will follow unless I leave this mortal plain.  I have scheduled the first surgery for November 10^th. 

So now the rationale for my word, compartmentalize.  Because I do not want the operation to weigh on me for the next couple of months, I will compartmentalize.  I do not need to think about this event for a while and my plan is not to let it interfere with anything that is going on in my current life.  I include trying to play all my games, take a vacation, do my work and even try to be nice at the same time.  That is probably the hardest part as chronic pain makes you not the nicest person in the world. 

So what will my technique be for this rationalization?  For me it will have to be something from the Buddhist tradition.  I will rely on meditation and my  favorite saying to myself, “Be here now” and always be mindful of how lucky I am to “Be here now.”  It is not as simple as it sounds because I must admit, I can be pretty depressed by pain and circumstance.  Nevertheless, for the next few months, I am going to try and lose a couple of pounds (makes the recovery easier) and be in a good mood.  I will attempt to complete my tasks with a smile and throw in an occasional Scotchola just for the fun of it.  I hope I have much more to say, but unlike my Roman blog which was long on daily activities, I’m hoping to keep this one short enough that somebody reads it.